Learning to Love Again - Life Since the Death of My Spouse

Okay. It is 2am where I am still working. I could be studying for my classes that are starting tomorrow (I know, I know -- but, they really don't start until tomorrow!!), but I don't; however, I did print out this terms' syllabuses. Perhaps, I'll take a better look at those syllabuses tomorrow.

In the meantime, I pull out of my back pack a book (purchased at Barnes & Noble on their $1 bargain shelf) that I had started to read earlier today -- HEART (Stories of Learning to Love Again) as Edited by Kristen Couse (authored by Alain de Botton, Banana Yoshimoto, Vladimir Nabokov, Alice Munro, Anita Brookner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gustave Flaubert, Marcel Proust, Robert Olen Butler, Anne Tyler, Colette, and Thomas Hardy -- all fabulous authors in their own right!). Each chapter is a mini-story written by these authors and, of course, as I am reading my head is spinning in many thoughts and directions.

The first story is prefaced by (editor's notes):

"It has been said that it is best not to over-analyse love. Obviously, Alain de Bottom doesn't share this belief. In his first novel, he tracks every phase of the relationship between is narrator and Chloe, from their chance meeting on a Paris-London flight, to the moment when she leaves him, to, in this exerpt, the process of shedding the incredible weight that a broken heart can leave behind."

The story actually begins as:

"1. There is an Arabic saying that the soul travels at the pace of a camel. While we are forced ahead by the relentless dynamic of the time-tabled present, our soul, the seat of the heart, trails nostalgically behind, burdened by the weight of memory. If every love affair adds a certain weight to the camel's load, then we can expect the sould to slow according to the significance of love's burden. By the time the animal was finally able to shrug off the crushing weight of her memory, Chloe had nearly killed my camel.

2. With her departure had gone all desire to keep up with the present. I lived nostalgically, that is, with constant reference to my life as it had been with her. My eyes were never really open, they looked backward and inward to memory. I would have wished to spend the rest of my days following the camel, meandering through the dunes of memory, stopping at charming oases to leaf through images of happier days. The present held nothing for me, the past had become the only inhabitable tense. What could the present be next to it but a mocking reminder of the one who was missing? What could the future hold besides yet more wretched absence?"


Wow! I had to catch my breath as I read and re-read this. Have I really been living in the past since Kevin's death?

I do so have the fondest of memories of him and how much he loved me and demonstrated it to me each and every day. While married to him, I was worried about my daughter though who had gone to live with her Dad temporarily.

How do we get to the point in living in the present. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I am presently studying forensic psychology, starting up a cooking meetup group, volunteering in a victims' group, and so many other things, as well as working as an advocate at a national hotline, but am I truly living in the present???

Through my marathon moving process, it has certainly been an eye-opening experience which is continued onward through my illustruous exploratory experience of unpacking boxes that haven't been openned for more than 6 years. Some boxes have been like opening a pandora's box yielding experiences in their own -- ie dog food that had been packed by the movers of the corporation that I was working for at the time -- I just never know what I am going to find in these mystery boxes.

People have asked me, "How's your love life?" Honestly, it hasn't been all that great. I have thought I have been prepared to move forward and leave behind the memories of the past which are, in fact, burdening the camel carrying them and the broken heart that I had faced due to Kevin's sudden death. I certainly don't wish having to go through the death of a spouse upon anyone. It isn't an easy process. A divorce is much easier because you can prepare for the inevitable and, in many instances, one has a continued relationship with the divorced partner after the termination of the official sancity of the marriage; however, in the death of the spouse, they are gone forever.

One can continue to communicate with them spiritually and hold onto the memories forever, but it isn't the same as having something tangible in front of you. Letting go of the past isn't quite so simple.

November 11, 2002, Kevin died in our apartment from a heart attack. It has been nearly 4 years later and I am ready to move forward into another relationship -- whatever relationship that my future may hold for me.

Perhaps, I should symbolicly put those memories and the broken heart from the loss of him onto that camel and let that camel continue travelling in the distance in order to distance myself and allow myself move forward into the realm yet to be explored and relished.

At least, this book is making me think a little....